I confess that one of the first things that I noticed as the biggest source of pain since your physical passing was the inability to touch you, kiss you, hold you, and snuggle against you. You and I have always been a very “touchy-feely” couple. In fact, when we took the “5 Love Languages” quiz from Dr. Gary Chapman we both tested the exact same way: physical touch ranked highest on how we give and receive love, followed closely behind with words of affirmation. Since your earthly passing I have clung to every moment of our daily conversations. I listen intently with my soul and my gut to hear if anything comes through from you. I pray to God for patience, stillness, and comfort as I adjust to not being able to have full-blown conversations with you anymore until we are reunited in Heaven.
But the lack of intimacy, sex, and general physical touch…. that has been hard. Oh, how I miss your touch! I remember everything about your body. I love the warmth of your hands and how they wrap around mine so perfectly. I love how smooth your light, brown skin is. I love the fullness of your lips. Kissing them is like kissing against big, puffy pillows. It’s delicious and has always made me swoon from head to toe.
When I made the decision to make everyday of the rest of my time here on earth a chance for us to date, one of the things that I thought about was how we could connect intimately. You and I have always had high libidos and I am so thankful to God that we had the chance to enjoy the gift of sex together for nearly 10 years. What a blessing and I can’t wait until we are reunited to touch again in Heaven! I knew that self-love was something I would need to venture into to satisfy my “human urges” (let’s call them) and my longing for you, my love.
Though this decision might not be for everyone, for us it works. I know that you are here watching over me each and everyday. You also know that (since we are soulmates) I am content with never re-marrying or dating again. That said, what my soul craves is the chance to connect intimately before you and release that desire and craving in a healthy way. If I’m being radically honest, it wasn’t difficult to achieve. You have always made me feel “warm all over” and still do to this day. Just the mere thought of you makes my heart flutter. You’re so handsome! So, it was a ray of light in this dark storm to slip away into total privacy and allow myself the chance to remember the intimate moments of your time here on earth. I truly believe that you and I are one body, one soul, one flesh, joined together for eternity in covenant, and because of that… the gift of sex (which the Lord created!), makes it powerful, and a lasting memory in our minds.
I laid before you and allowed myself to wander down memory lane. I remembered the good times… the steamy times… and the times that made my toes curl. And for a few minutes I laid before you and smiled in total release. For a few minutes my heart wasn’t breaking and aching all over. And the best part? I know you watched over me. I know you could see just how much I love you forever: body, mind, and soul.
Intimacy doesn’t have to cease just because your partner’s physical form passes away. You just need to find an alternative ways to connect. Intimacy is an expression of love, and love comes from the soul.