The Brain Fog is Real…

Hello Sweetheart,

Since I arrived in my 30’s I would always mutter to you when I forgot something, “yikes, I’m getting old…”. You would smile, chuckle, and give me a kiss on the forehead all while reassuring me that I’m not that old yet. But the brain fog I’ve had since you passed away from this earth has been something entirely different. When the initial shock hit me I couldn’t cry for the first 24 hours. I don’t know how I drove home those 25 miles from the hospital. (You were certainly holding the steering wheel with me). In the weeks that followed I have had so much trouble concentrating. Little did I know that there is a term for this symptom. It’s called “widow’s brain”.

Widow Brain is a term used to describe the fogginess and disconnect that can set in after the death of a spouse. This feeling is thought to be a coping mechanism, where the brain attempts to shield itself from the pain of a significant trauma or loss. Widow’s Brain is also commonly referred to as Widow Fog or simply trauma brain. – (Source: )

Trauma brain. That sounds about right. Symptoms include forgetfulness, irritability, brain fog, fatigue, nausea, etc. I have experienced all of these in the 51 days since you passed away. Initially my appetite was completely gone. I hardly ate for the first 72 hours since I came back from the hospital. Anything made my stomach turn and I felt completely nauseous. But, the fogginess and inability to concentrate…. that has lingered to the present.

I admit that it has been frustrating for me because I am the type of person that usually focuses quite well. But grief is real and brain trauma is real as well. Seeing you pass in my arms and trying to revive you with CPR is something that I don’t think I will ever get over entirely. However, in this season of healing and quiet…. there have been tiny things that I have begun doing to “anchor” my brain to try to cope. Music is one of them. I can’t quite read a chapter book (yet). My brain feels too scattered… like a million pages blown away in the wind. But music? It has always spoken to my soul (and brain) and there is a song for every emotion.

Tonight as I’m typing this the song, “Babe” by: Styx is playing on my Spotify playlist. It fits my mood perfectly.

You know it’s you BabeWhenever I get weary and I’ve had enoughFeel like giving upYou know it’s you BabeGiving me the courage and the strength I needPlease believe that it’s trueBabe, I love you.

Deep down, behind the walls that my brain has put in place to protect itself… I know your physical form is gone. I know that God holds my soul in His hands because it is oh-so-fragile these days. I might come across as being “on top of it all” but I am still recovering… still healing… still crying when I talk to you. The releasing of tears helps. Talking to you helps. You and God are my courage and strength.

Brain fog is real and one day it will lift. Until then, I will just crawl on hands and knees through the fog until I find my way.

Forever yours,


Letters to Hubby · Music

Reasons to Dance Again

Hello My Love,

There are times when your presence and voice comes through so clear, and there are other times where my soul is grasping to feel you near. I’m sure this is normal. I’m just thankful that we have been able to connect at all. It is a gift from God and I am humbled by His mercy and love.

You and I have always loved music. I smile even now when I remember the story about the band, Nightwish. Do you remember that memory? You and I had just met and we were talking online. There was an initial connection but we hadn’t yet met in person to solidify the chemistry that we were feeling. We were still feeling each other out and learning what our interests are. You and I both lit up when the conversation rolled around to discussing music. “I love all kinds!” I blurted out to you excitedly. “Me too” you gushed on the other end of the phone. I rambled on about loving 80’s music and how the Backstreet Boys will always be a major crush of mine. You laughed and understood (since we are the exact same age). You asked me what my favorite band of all time was and I had to pause and think about it. I remember whining about the difficulty of having to choose just one!

Finally I grinned and said, “Nightwish! I absolutely LOVE the song, ‘Amaranth'”. They are a glam-rock band that you had never heard of, but without missing a beat you said that you liked them too. You heard me nearly squeal with excitement at having another common interest. Little did I know, but you had never heard of them. Later that night after our call you had stayed up all night listening to their music. You especially memorized my favorite song just so that you could impress me. You also fell in love with their music along the way. You would tell me this story several years later after we got married. I belly laughed so hard hearing about the lengths you went to just to impress me. I still melt remembering this story.

Oh my darling, my love for you is endless and eternal. You have and will always be my soulmate, best friend, my husband, and my rock. Since your soul departed your “shell” (as kiddo and I call it), I confess that it has been really difficult to listen to any music. I tried that first week because I was so used to listening to music but I ended up crying my eyes out and had to turn it off. But, the other day I decided to try again. I turned on the song, “Breathe” by Michelle Branch. There is a line in the song that says:

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I’ll know everything is alright
Every little piece of me
You’ll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe

It was everything I needed to hear in that moment. I threw my arms up in the air and twirled around in my bedroom. Suddenly I heard your voice so clear, as if you were right next to my ear:

“Dance for me, beautiful”.

I gasped and stopped for a moment. Then, knowing it was you, I busted out dancing with a smile on my face. I will always dance for you, my love. Always! Thank you for staying with me and watching over kiddo and I from above. I love dating you. You are… everything.

Never forget that each day I wake up I’m slowly walking towards you. One day we will be reunited again in heaven and then we will touch. Our fingertips will slip together once more and we shall dance… and dance…. and dance!

Forever yours,

Wifey xoxoxo