Hello My Love,
Everyday I speak to you. It has been 50 days since your earthly passing. I know I said I wouldn’t count the number of days since “that day”, but it’s difficult not to. I have found that the only thing that soothes my aching soul is prayer. I truly believe in the power of prayer. I know that the Lord has the perfect timing for everything in this life. This time on earth is a gift. It is a gift to experience His majesty and everything he created. We get to marvel at how complex, powerful, and breathtakingly beautiful this planet is and know that it was all created by God. And yet, this planet pales in comparison to the beauty that lies ahead in heaven. How incredible is that? As raw and hurting as I am right now, the one thing that keeps me lifting my chin is knowing that you’re at peace in heaven with God.
One of the most difficult aspects of losing you has been being labeled as a “widow”. The first time I heard this was on the phone when our auto insurance policy changed and they took you off of the plan. The woman on the phone said, “don’t worry, ma’am, I will go ahead and put down widow under your marital status so you don’t need to login”. I froze for a moment. I knew that she meant well but everything inside me wanted to revolt. I don’t feel like a widow. I feel like a wife who is waiting to join my soulmate in heaven.
I am currently reading a wonderful book titled, “The Undistracted Widow: Living for God After Losing Your Husband” by: Carol W. Cornish, and in it there is a passage where she describes how widow/ers often can feel a sense of identity loss after losing their partner. I know that I can relate. Darling, you were the head of our household and I loved taking care of the home (and our daughter) by your side. We both embraced traditional gender roles in our marriage and for us it worked well. I admit that since you went home to the Lord there have been times where my mind has raced when I thought about having to become the head of the household. In the past few months I have organized our accounts to make it easier for me to maintain. I have applied to go back and finish college (which I will in this May!), and then I will be entering the workforce. And while I have made great strides I still feel this strange “in between” feeling of being both the breadwinner and the homemaker. It’s a lot but I’m learning how to juggle it all. While there are times I feel overwhelmed I recently read a Bible verse that sums up my feelings on the matter completely:
39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. 40 In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is—and I think that I too have the Spirit of God. – 1 Corinthians 7:39-40
You see, my darling, I am not worried about spending the rest of my earthly days without you by my side. Do I get lonely? At times I do. I miss the feeling of holding hands and the way my head fits perfectly on your chest. But, if I allow my mind to focus on what I don’t have, versus what I do have, then I know I will quickly fall into a depression. No, I don’t have your amazing form by my side right now. That will have to wait until God calls me home to be with Him and you. Until that day comes there are many things that I do have and that I have trained my eyes on:
- I have the power of prayer that soothes my aching heart. When I just speak openly to the Lord and lay my pain down at His feet… yes, I weep… but I also feel better too. I know He can take my pain and so I don’t feel guilty bearing it all to Him.
- I think about ways that I can use my gifts here on earth to honor and glorify God. Personally, I feel that God has blessed me to connect with people and to be calm under pressure. This is why I’m entering the nursing field. I hope to use my gifts to aid those who need help and to do it as an act of love and kindness in the name of God.
- I train my eyes on the Christian community as a whole. I’m not wanting to fill the void in my heart with remarrying. Instead, I’d rather lean into the Spirit of God and to learn more about Him through attending church, listening to sermons, and rocking out to Christian music as a way to uplift my heart.
I am 38 years old… the same age as you. To many people that may seem as “young” and our situation is “extra tragic”. I know those words have been tossed around and spoken to me throughout all of this. But the reality is age is just a number. No one knows when their time on earth is over. Instead of focusing on how long or short our life is, we should be focusing on savoring this life and enjoying everything God has given us. Life is a gift. Time is short and fleeting. And personally I can’t wait until I can hug and kiss you again one day in heaven.