Hello My Love,

Everyday I speak to you. It has been 50 days since your earthly passing. I know I said I wouldn’t count the number of days since “that day”, but it’s difficult not to. I have found that the only thing that soothes my aching soul is prayer. I truly believe in the power of prayer. I know that the Lord has the perfect timing for everything in this life. This time on earth is a gift. It is a gift to experience His majesty and everything he created. We get to marvel at how complex, powerful, and breathtakingly beautiful this planet is and know that it was all created by God. And yet, this planet pales in comparison to the beauty that lies ahead in heaven. How incredible is that? As raw and hurting as I am right now, the one thing that keeps me lifting my chin is knowing that you’re at peace in heaven with God.

One of the most difficult aspects of losing you has been being labeled as a “widow”. The first time I heard this was on the phone when our auto insurance policy changed and they took you off of the plan. The woman on the phone said, “don’t worry, ma’am, I will go ahead and put down widow under your marital status so you don’t need to login”. I froze for a moment. I knew that she meant well but everything inside me wanted to revolt. I don’t feel like a widow. I feel like a wife who is waiting to join my soulmate in heaven.

I am currently reading a wonderful book titled, “The Undistracted Widow: Living for God After Losing Your Husband” by: Carol W. Cornish, and in it there is a passage where she describes how widow/ers often can feel a sense of identity loss after losing their partner. I know that I can relate. Darling, you were the head of our household and I loved taking care of the home (and our daughter) by your side. We both embraced traditional gender roles in our marriage and for us it worked well. I admit that since you went home to the Lord there have been times where my mind has raced when I thought about having to become the head of the household. In the past few months I have organized our accounts to make it easier for me to maintain. I have applied to go back and finish college (which I will in this May!), and then I will be entering the workforce. And while I have made great strides I still feel this strange “in between” feeling of being both the breadwinner and the homemaker. It’s a lot but I’m learning how to juggle it all. While there are times I feel overwhelmed I recently read a Bible verse that sums up my feelings on the matter completely:

³⁹ A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. ⁴⁰ In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is—and I think that I too have the Spirit of God. – 1 Corinthians 7:39-40

 

You see, my darling, I am not worried about spending the rest of my earthly days without you by my side. Do I get lonely? At times I do. I miss the feeling of holding hands and the way my head fits perfectly on your chest. But, if I allow my mind to focus on what I don’t have, versus what I do have, then I know I will quickly fall into a depression. No, I don’t have your amazing form by my side right now. That will have to wait until God calls me home to be with Him and you. Until that day comes there are many things that I do have and that I have trained my eyes on:

• I have the power of prayer that soothes my aching heart. When I just speak openly to the Lord and lay my pain down at His feet… yes, I weep… but I also feel better too. I know He can take my pain and so I don’t feel guilty bearing it all to Him.
• I think about ways that I can use my gifts here on earth to honor and glorify God. Personally, I feel that God has blessed me to connect with people and to be calm under pressure. This is why I’m entering the nursing field. I hope to use my gifts to aid those who need help and to do it as an act of love and kindness in the name of God.
• I train my eyes on the Christian community as a whole. I’m not wanting to fill the void in my heart with remarrying. Instead, I’d rather lean into the Spirit of God and to learn more about Him through attending church, listening to sermons, and rocking out to Christian music as a way to uplift my heart.

I am 38 years old… the same age as you. To many people that may seem as “young” and our situation is “extra tragic”. I know those words have been tossed around and spoken to me throughout all of this. But the reality is age is just a number. No one knows when their time on earth is over. Instead of focusing on how long or short our life is, we should be focusing on savoring this life and enjoying everything God has given us. Life is a gift. Time is short and fleeting. And personally I can’t wait until I can hug and kiss you again one day in heaven.

Forever Yours,

Wifey XOXO

Hello My Love,

Isn’t it funny how we ask God things over and over, but He has his perfect timing for things to be revealed? For years I have asked God to show me what my purpose is. I know you remember how “adrift” I felt at times over the past 10 years. I have always been a curious soul and so I questioned what the purpose of this life is. Of course the answer was always with God, but I just didn’t have the foresight to understand it back then.

And then you joined the Lord in heaven.

For the past 42 days since your soul returned to the Lord life has changed completely. This morning I was getting ready for the day and reflecting on the quote by Pastor Rick Warren which was the daily quote on my Glorify app.

No longer do I ask God, “what is my purpose, Lord?”. I know what my purpose is now. You see, that first week after your earthly passing I confess that I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to carry on. I felt like the life was sucked out of my body. I felt unable to do even the tiniest things. Just taking a shower felt like a goal to try and achieve. I remember Googling, “what do you do if all you want is to leave this earth and join God in heaven?”. Tears were spilling down my cheeks as I read answers on Quora submitted by other people. And then I came across this answer:

J Gallmeyer

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Bible researcher, Mother to two cats, Bookworm, Accounting 3y

No, it’s not bad to want to leave this world and go to Heaven. Many of us do. It is because we believe that Heaven is a wonderful place to be. No more fears, no more tears, etc. No stress. Only happiness and love, no more nights. God will be our light. But we NEED to stay in this world until God calls us out of it. He has reasons. Very good reasons for you to be here. He has a job for you to do on Earth. He has happy times for you here and He wants you to enjoy them. You will also have sad times here too and hard times. But He sees to it that you have these times because that is how you are going to grow into the person God wants you to be before He calls you home. Rejoice in the good times rejoice in the hard times because when these times happen you will know God is changing you. We all have good times we all have hard times we all have sad times. Good times don’t always last but neither do hard or sad times. Every day is new. Another day to worship the God we love right here on Earth and another day closer to the day we worship Him in Heaven. Enjoy the life He has given you to live here. That is what He wants for you.

This answer saved me. I sat there and thought, “Huh… the Lord still has a purpose for me which is why I’m still here”. Then, I began to think about what that purpose might be. This is what I’ve surmised. My purpose is to care for our daughter and give her the best life possible. My purpose is to glorify His name and worship Christ with all of me. My purpose is to connect with you, my deepest love, and to date you each and every earthly day until one day we are reunited again in Heaven. My purpose is to be a good person…. a kind and patient person…. putting that energy into the universe so that the world is a slightly kinder place for everyone. My purpose is to marvel at this beautiful planet that the Lord created for all of us, and to care for it as best that I can. My purpose is to use my career to help people and to do it in the Lord’s name, because above all we should give and receive love.

So, that is what I’m going to do. That is what I’m trying to do already. I love dating you, my love. I know things are only going to get better as time goes on. Already I feel so much more comfortable meditating so that I can connect and listen to you. I love that I have two alarms on my phone now to remind me of taking time for morning and evening prayer time. Spending time in prayer helps to center and soothe my spirit. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to walk through in life. But, I just try to keep my eyes trained on God and give my fears to Him. I try to focus on dating and speaking to you as I’m walking (ever so slowly) towards you and the Lord. And I try to be the best mom I can be to our kiddo. Is it a lot? Of course. But, I know that God never gives us more than we can handle.

I’ve found my purpose now and it is in that purpose that I will place my actions and my life. I love you, hubby… now and forever.

Forever yours,

Wifey XOXOXO