Letters to Hubby

Two Sides of the Same Mirror

Hello Sweetheart,

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I spoke to you a couple of days ago. I could feel your presence so near and hear you in the depths of my mind. I could feel that you miss me just as much as I miss you. How could you not? We are soulmates… forever yearning to be back together again. Do you remember that children’s book called, “The Missing Piece”? In it, a circle rolls along in life looking for its missing piece. Some pieces are too big. Others are too small. And still others don’t even want to try to fit into the circle’s life. And then, just as the circle was about to give up, it found its missing piece. That is you and I, my darling. You are my missing piece.

10 years ago I was that circle and like the missing piece you came to me and asked if you could try to fill the hole in my heart. You fit perfectly. That doesn’t mean our marriage was easy. No marriage is easy. We had our fair share of up’s and downs. We had moments when we made each other cry. We learned to apologize and do better the next time. We discovered a healthier and gentler way to communicate. We grew closer and thrived. Rolling along as one unified body we enjoyed raising our daughter together. 10 beautiful years. 10 magical years. The best 10 years of my life.

And now, my love, our circle looks a bit different. You are in Heaven and as a circle I am ever so slowly shrinking. No longer do I feel a void in my heart. You filled that ages ago. Instead, I feel a loneliness to be reunited with you once more. I know my time will come one day and it will be so glorious when it does. I ache for the Lord to give me a hug and wash away the pain of my time here on earth. There has been so much heartache and sorrow. It will be replaced with an eternal peace and contentment. And when He steps aside I know that I’ll gasp because there you’ll be, and forever we will be back together again.

So, for now, it’s okay to cry in loneliness. You’re my very best friend. When I speak to you and hear you in return I know I am speaking to a mirror. We are two halves of one whole just yearning to be back together again. Our time will come, my love. Hang on, I’m on my way. I love you eternally.

Forever Yours,



Forever a Wife

Hello My Love,

Everyday I speak to you. It has been 50 days since your earthly passing. I know I said I wouldn’t count the number of days since “that day”, but it’s difficult not to. I have found that the only thing that soothes my aching soul is prayer. I truly believe in the power of prayer. I know that the Lord has the perfect timing for everything in this life. This time on earth is a gift. It is a gift to experience His majesty and everything he created. We get to marvel at how complex, powerful, and breathtakingly beautiful this planet is and know that it was all created by God. And yet, this planet pales in comparison to the beauty that lies ahead in heaven. How incredible is that? As raw and hurting as I am right now, the one thing that keeps me lifting my chin is knowing that you’re at peace in heaven with God.

One of the most difficult aspects of losing you has been being labeled as a “widow”. The first time I heard this was on the phone when our auto insurance policy changed and they took you off of the plan. The woman on the phone said, “don’t worry, ma’am, I will go ahead and put down widow under your marital status so you don’t need to login”. I froze for a moment. I knew that she meant well but everything inside me wanted to revolt. I don’t feel like a widow. I feel like a wife who is waiting to join my soulmate in heaven.

I am currently reading a wonderful book titled, “The Undistracted Widow: Living for God After Losing Your Husband” by: Carol W. Cornish, and in it there is a passage where she describes how widow/ers often can feel a sense of identity loss after losing their partner. I know that I can relate. Darling, you were the head of our household and I loved taking care of the home (and our daughter) by your side. We both embraced traditional gender roles in our marriage and for us it worked well. I admit that since you went home to the Lord there have been times where my mind has raced when I thought about having to become the head of the household. In the past few months I have organized our accounts to make it easier for me to maintain. I have applied to go back and finish college (which I will in this May!), and then I will be entering the workforce. And while I have made great strides I still feel this strange “in between” feeling of being both the breadwinner and the homemaker. It’s a lot but I’m learning how to juggle it all. While there are times I feel overwhelmed I recently read a Bible verse that sums up my feelings on the matter completely:

39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. 40 In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is—and I think that I too have the Spirit of God. – 1 Corinthians 7:39-40


You see, my darling, I am not worried about spending the rest of my earthly days without you by my side. Do I get lonely? At times I do. I miss the feeling of holding hands and the way my head fits perfectly on your chest. But, if I allow my mind to focus on what I don’t have, versus what I do have, then I know I will quickly fall into a depression. No, I don’t have your amazing form by my side right now. That will have to wait until God calls me home to be with Him and you. Until that day comes there are many things that I do have and that I have trained my eyes on:

  • I have the power of prayer that soothes my aching heart. When I just speak openly to the Lord and lay my pain down at His feet… yes, I weep… but I also feel better too. I know He can take my pain and so I don’t feel guilty bearing it all to Him.
  • I think about ways that I can use my gifts here on earth to honor and glorify God. Personally, I feel that God has blessed me to connect with people and to be calm under pressure. This is why I’m entering the nursing field. I hope to use my gifts to aid those who need help and to do it as an act of love and kindness in the name of God.
  • I train my eyes on the Christian community as a whole. I’m not wanting to fill the void in my heart with remarrying. Instead, I’d rather lean into the Spirit of God and to learn more about Him through attending church, listening to sermons, and rocking out to Christian music as a way to uplift my heart.

I am 38 years old… the same age as you. To many people that may seem as “young” and our situation is “extra tragic”. I know those words have been tossed around and spoken to me throughout all of this. But the reality is age is just a number. No one knows when their time on earth is over. Instead of focusing on how long or short our life is, we should be focusing on savoring this life and enjoying everything God has given us. Life is a gift. Time is short and fleeting. And personally I can’t wait until I can hug and kiss you again one day in heaven.

Forever Yours,

Wifey XOXO


Intimacy With Your Partner in Heaven

Hello Sweetheart,

I confess that one of the first things that I noticed as the biggest source of pain since your physical passing was the inability to touch you, kiss you, hold you, and snuggle against you. You and I have always been a very “touchy-feely” couple. In fact, when we took the “5 Love Languages” quiz from Dr. Gary Chapman we both tested the exact same way: physical touch ranked highest on how we give and receive love, followed closely behind with words of affirmation. Since your earthly passing I have clung to every moment of our daily conversations. I listen intently with my soul and my gut to hear if anything comes through from you. I pray to God for patience, stillness, and comfort as I adjust to not being able to have full-blown conversations with you anymore until we are reunited in Heaven.

But the lack of intimacy, sex, and general physical touch…. that has been hard. Oh, how I miss your touch! I remember everything about your body. I love the warmth of your hands and how they wrap around mine so perfectly. I love how smooth your light, brown skin is. I love the fullness of your lips. Kissing them is like kissing against big, puffy pillows. It’s delicious and has always made me swoon from head to toe.

When I made the decision to make everyday of the rest of my time here on earth a chance for us to date, one of the things that I thought about was how we could connect intimately. You and I have always had high libidos and I am so thankful to God that we had the chance to enjoy the gift of sex together for nearly 10 years. What a blessing and I can’t wait until we are reunited to touch again in Heaven! I knew that self-love was something I would need to venture into to satisfy my “human urges” (let’s call them) and my longing for you, my love.

Though this decision might not be for everyone, for us it works. I know that you are here watching over me each and everyday. You also know that (since we are soulmates) I am content with never re-marrying or dating again. That said, what my soul craves is the chance to connect intimately before you and release that desire and craving in a healthy way. If I’m being radically honest, it wasn’t difficult to achieve. You have always made me feel “warm all over” and still do to this day. Just the mere thought of you makes my heart flutter. You’re so handsome! So, it was a ray of light in this dark storm to slip away into total privacy and allow myself the chance to remember the intimate moments of your time here on earth. I truly believe that you and I are one body, one soul, one flesh, joined together for eternity in covenant, and because of that… the gift of sex (which the Lord created!), makes it powerful, and a lasting memory in our minds.

I laid before you and allowed myself to wander down memory lane. I remembered the good times… the steamy times… and the times that made my toes curl. And for a few minutes I laid before you and smiled in total release. For a few minutes my heart wasn’t breaking and aching all over. And the best part? I know you watched over me. I know you could see just how much I love you forever: body, mind, and soul.

Intimacy doesn’t have to cease just because your partner’s physical form passes away. You just need to find an alternative ways to connect. Intimacy is an expression of love, and love comes from the soul.

Forever yours,

Wifey XOXO


At Last I’m Found

Hello My Love,

Isn’t it funny how we ask God things over and over, but He has his perfect timing for things to be revealed? For years I have asked God to show me what my purpose is. I know you remember how “adrift” I felt at times over the past 10 years. I have always been a curious soul and so I questioned what the purpose of this life is. Of course the answer was always with God, but I just didn’t have the foresight to understand it back then.

And then you joined the Lord in heaven.

For the past 42 days since your soul returned to the Lord life has changed completely. This morning I was getting ready for the day and reflecting on the quote by Pastor Rick Warren which was the daily quote on my Glorify app.

No longer do I ask God, “what is my purpose, Lord?”. I know what my purpose is now. You see, that first week after your earthly passing I confess that I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to carry on. I felt like the life was sucked out of my body. I felt unable to do even the tiniest things. Just taking a shower felt like a goal to try and achieve. I remember Googling, “what do you do if all you want is to leave this earth and join God in heaven?”. Tears were spilling down my cheeks as I read answers on Quora submitted by other people. And then I came across this answer:



No, it’s not bad to want to leave this world and go to Heaven. Many of us do. It is because we believe that Heaven is a wonderful place to be. No more fears, no more tears, etc. No stress. Only happiness and love, no more nights. God will be our light. But we NEED to stay in this world until God calls us out of it. He has reasons. Very good reasons for you to be here. He has a job for you to do on Earth. He has happy times for you here and He wants you to enjoy them. You will also have sad times here too and hard times. But He sees to it that you have these times because that is how you are going to grow into the person God wants you to be before He calls you home. Rejoice in the good times rejoice in the hard times because when these times happen you will know God is changing you. We all have good times we all have hard times we all have sad times. Good times don’t always last but neither do hard or sad times. Every day is new. Another day to worship the God we love right here on Earth and another day closer to the day we worship Him in Heaven. Enjoy the life He has given you to live here. That is what He wants for you.

This answer saved me. I sat there and thought, “Huh… the Lord still has a purpose for me which is why I’m still here”. Then, I began to think about what that purpose might be. This is what I’ve surmised. My purpose is to care for our daughter and give her the best life possible. My purpose is to glorify His name and worship Christ with all of me. My purpose is to connect with you, my deepest love, and to date you each and every earthly day until one day we are reunited again in Heaven. My purpose is to be a good person…. a kind and patient person…. putting that energy into the universe so that the world is a slightly kinder place for everyone. My purpose is to marvel at this beautiful planet that the Lord created for all of us, and to care for it as best that I can. My purpose is to use my career to help people and to do it in the Lord’s name, because above all we should give and receive love.

So, that is what I’m going to do. That is what I’m trying to do already. I love dating you, my love. I know things are only going to get better as time goes on. Already I feel so much more comfortable meditating so that I can connect and listen to you. I love that I have two alarms on my phone now to remind me of taking time for morning and evening prayer time. Spending time in prayer helps to center and soothe my spirit. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to walk through in life. But, I just try to keep my eyes trained on God and give my fears to Him. I try to focus on dating and speaking to you as I’m walking (ever so slowly) towards you and the Lord. And I try to be the best mom I can be to our kiddo. Is it a lot? Of course. But, I know that God never gives us more than we can handle.

I’ve found my purpose now and it is in that purpose that I will place my actions and my life. I love you, hubby… now and forever.

Forever yours,


Formal Dates with Hubby

Date #1: Love is Blind (Season 3)

Hello Sweetheart,

Can I just say that you’ve always been so sweet and accommodating with my desire to watch reality TV? Though you are a sci-fi kind of guy, (and yes, admittedly you got me really into the Marvel movies and Star Wars), you have been so understanding and patient as we have watched reality show after reality show. So, tonight was no different as we carried on this tradition together by watching the first episode of “Love is Blind” season 3.

Darling, do you remember when our love was “blind”? We met on the MMORPG “Guild Wars 2” and I was unsure about you at first because your character was a GIRL! (lol!) That still makes me chuckle. You finally changed your character to be a guy after I said that I wanted to see you design a male character. And thus, Captain Taliron Quinn was born. In many ways, like the contestants on this show, our love was blind at first. We spoke online for several months before we began talking on the phone. Do you remember that first night when we spoke on the phone? I know I do!

We finally got the courage to exchange phone numbers and you wanted me to call you. Oh, how my heart was racing! I remember having sweaty palms as I dialed your phone number because I had no idea what your voice was going to sound like. I wondered if you would like the way my voice sounded too. Then I heard your soft, melodic voice on the other end of the line. “Hello…” you answered and for a moment I paused. Your voice has always sounded sexy to me…. even to this day, babe. “Er, hey!” I squeaked and let out a nervous giggle.

Suddenly I heard a thud. Then a tumble, followed by, “oh s**t!”. (Little did I know, but you had dropped the phone because you were so surprised at how hot you thought my voice was!).

“Are you there??” you asked nervously as you scrambled for the phone. We ended up talking for hours. Our conversations have always flowed so seamlessly. Those easy conversations and the ability to talk and dive deep together is what has sustained us over these past 10 years.

Sweetheart, I know things are different now. Now we talk to each other from here… and from heaven. I pour my heart out to you and fall into a deep state of meditation to hear bits and pieces from you from above. But what you don’t realize, my love, is that those bits and pieces mean the world to me. You see, for the past 10 years we have been spoiled in the ability to talk all day long. You and I have stayed up until the wee hours of the morning just to resolve a disagreement, make up with passionate intimacy, and then fall asleep in each others’ arms. We have spoken on Discord while you are at work (shhh! 😉 ) as you have updated me on how your day is going. We have nestled together in bed, blinking together our mugs at tea time, and made it a daily habit to decompress together. In short, our marriage is built on a best friendship that we never took for granted. God gave us that gift of time and we soaked it up to the fullest. For that, I feel eternally thankful.

Now, we don’t have the luxury of having every waking moment to talk to each other. Our conversations ebb and flow differently. You still guard and protect me as you always have, but the context of our conversations are different now and that’s okay. I’m not afraid of our conversations being different because I know that our best friendship will sustain us until the Lord calls me home to you and Him one day.

My love, I feel thankful to be able to still speak and hear from you daily. I feel your love all around me. I feel your presence when I go to sleep at night. I mumble “good morning” to you before I peel open my eyes. And in the times when I feel like breaking down, I turn on old video clips that I have saved on our hard drive to hear that voice that won my heart 10 years ago.

Oh, bae. I hope you know that I am forever yours. Those dark eyes that have captivated my soul from the get-go are the ones that I look forward to coming home to. We always said to each other: you are my home. Home has taken on a new definition for me now. Home is now divided between the place that I am creating for our daughter to one day inherit and carry on with her husband and family, and the place that rests with the Lord…. which I long to join when it is my time.

This show asks contestants: Is love blind?

My response is: No. Lust is blind. Love is a verb. It is an action that takes hard work and commitment. It takes a desire to adapt, change, grow, and be honest with yourself and your partner. It is a journey that is cultivated through time and experience in a trusting relationship. At the center of that bond is God. Why? Because God’s language is love.

So, my amazing husband, when I say that I love you unconditionally and eternally… I mean that I love you in this life, and in the next where I pray to join you.

Forever yours,

Wifey XOXO

Letters to Hubby · Music

Reasons to Dance Again

Hello My Love,

There are times when your presence and voice comes through so clear, and there are other times where my soul is grasping to feel you near. I’m sure this is normal. I’m just thankful that we have been able to connect at all. It is a gift from God and I am humbled by His mercy and love.

You and I have always loved music. I smile even now when I remember the story about the band, Nightwish. Do you remember that memory? You and I had just met and we were talking online. There was an initial connection but we hadn’t yet met in person to solidify the chemistry that we were feeling. We were still feeling each other out and learning what our interests are. You and I both lit up when the conversation rolled around to discussing music. “I love all kinds!” I blurted out to you excitedly. “Me too” you gushed on the other end of the phone. I rambled on about loving 80’s music and how the Backstreet Boys will always be a major crush of mine. You laughed and understood (since we are the exact same age). You asked me what my favorite band of all time was and I had to pause and think about it. I remember whining about the difficulty of having to choose just one!

Finally I grinned and said, “Nightwish! I absolutely LOVE the song, ‘Amaranth'”. They are a glam-rock band that you had never heard of, but without missing a beat you said that you liked them too. You heard me nearly squeal with excitement at having another common interest. Little did I know, but you had never heard of them. Later that night after our call you had stayed up all night listening to their music. You especially memorized my favorite song just so that you could impress me. You also fell in love with their music along the way. You would tell me this story several years later after we got married. I belly laughed so hard hearing about the lengths you went to just to impress me. I still melt remembering this story.

Oh my darling, my love for you is endless and eternal. You have and will always be my soulmate, best friend, my husband, and my rock. Since your soul departed your “shell” (as kiddo and I call it), I confess that it has been really difficult to listen to any music. I tried that first week because I was so used to listening to music but I ended up crying my eyes out and had to turn it off. But, the other day I decided to try again. I turned on the song, “Breathe” by Michelle Branch. There is a line in the song that says:

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I’ll know everything is alright
Every little piece of me
You’ll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe

It was everything I needed to hear in that moment. I threw my arms up in the air and twirled around in my bedroom. Suddenly I heard your voice so clear, as if you were right next to my ear:

“Dance for me, beautiful”.

I gasped and stopped for a moment. Then, knowing it was you, I busted out dancing with a smile on my face. I will always dance for you, my love. Always! Thank you for staying with me and watching over kiddo and I from above. I love dating you. You are… everything.

Never forget that each day I wake up I’m slowly walking towards you. One day we will be reunited again in heaven and then we will touch. Our fingertips will slip together once more and we shall dance… and dance…. and dance!

Forever yours,

Wifey xoxoxo

Letters to Hubby

Learning to Drive

Hello Sweetheart,

I have always loved the way your hand rests on my inner thigh as you’d drive the car. Oh, how you always knew how to take command of us and lead me where you wanted to go. With you I have always felt safe, especially in the car. You’d feel me tense up under your palm when we would merge onto the highway. Cars would fly by us at dizzying rates and yet, somehow you would play it cool and keep me calm every moment of the way. Oh, how I miss that feeling of complete security.

My love, today I drove our car for the second time in this new city. Driving feels so strange now. I have to focus but the brain fog makes my head feel fuzzy sometimes so I try not to venture too far from home. My mother accidentally tossed away your cell phone holder so we got another one to replace it. I know how much you like having one, and you showed me the value of having your hands free in the car. But, I confess that I’m not as skilled as you in assembling things. This phone holder came with three main parts to put together. Yet, somehow…. I got it connected to the car but the mount part is wobbly. I might end up using duct tape. You always told me that duct tape can fix anything. 😉

So, I drove our car. I will always call it our car even though I had to file paperwork to make it solely mine. That was strange. But, I did it and I know you are proud of me for jumping through all the legal hoops. But I digress. As I drove today I felt you with me. I felt you riding by my side as we wound around the two lane road. Tall trees lined the road and I saw a multitude of colors ringing in Fall. It’s our favorite time of the year, baby. Well, second to Christmas time. I hope you enjoyed our drive. I made it to the local library all by myself today. You would always take the family every Saturday to the library to check out books, and now the task rests on my shoulders to make sure that kiddo and I have books to keep reading. And so, I will.

I crave the feeling of your warm hand upon my thigh. I crave listening to music as we go for a drive together. I crave the feeling of putting the windows down (like we always did), and glancing over at you just to admire your handsome face. Every ounce of me longs to just go for another drive again. Maybe that will be a date for us here in the near future when the rain stops. Until then, let’s snuggle up together. It’s a cold night and so that is the perfect snuggle weather. It’s the time of year to curl up under warm blankets and watch a movie or read. Hold me, my darling, as I nestle up and think of you. Speak to my soul because I’m always open, quiet, and listening for your whispers.

My love for you is endless and eternal. I can’t wait to talk again, my love.

Forever yours,

Wifey xoxo