Tag: Widow

Formal Dates with Hubby

Date #2: Extinct & Up in the Air [Movie Date]

Lisa Quinn1 Comment

Time is fleeting. No one is ever guarantied enough time. I was reading a book called “My Wynter Season” recently, (from a fellow widow), and he wrote the line: “… but the love between my wife and I is eternal. And I realized after I had lost her that our relationship didn’t end. The earthly chapter had ended, and a new chapter had begun”. That’s exactly how I feel about my husband and I. Our love is eternal. For 10 magical years we were here together on earth. Now he waits for me in heaven where I will return to him one day. Until then, we are in the next chapter of our story.

I’d like to call this chapter: The Transitionary Time.

This is the time in between here and there where we are together, but a thin veil separates us from one another. There are times when my husband’s presence is so near and I can feel his warmth. There are other times when the depression sinks into my bones and he feels so far away (even though I know he never leaves me). Ultimately, we are all mortal, and so each passing day is one more step towards reuniting with my love. That said, in another book I purchased recently called, “What to Do When Your Soulmate Dies”, Dr. Alan Wolfelt suggests that we mourn heroically just as much as we celebrated our love as intensely. For me, I know that my husband is still with me. Therefore, I choose to grieve with the purpose of dating him still… even if in non-traditional ways. This is my “heroic” way of honoring our love. I choose to date my husband, even after his earthly passing, because I am forever a wife… not a widow. <3

Last night I had a movie date with my husband. Our little trio of a family always loved to pile in the living room together and watch movies. It has been our favorite thing to do for years. So, last night it felt like “old times” when my daughter and I flopped on the bed, turned on the TV, and I spoke aloud to my husband: “Come hold me, handsome”. I know he became my big spoon in that moment. We decided to kick things off with the movie, “Extinct” (on Netflix U.S.) because animated movies are always a good, lighthearted choice.

 

The movie is about a quirky group of species called the flummels. They are donut-looking cats who live on an island of flowers. Op and Ed are the main characters who always seem to get into mischief when the rest of the flummels fall in line and do their jobs. It’s a sweet, heartfelt story about standing out and embracing your own person. I highly recommend it.

Then we wrapped up the night with the deeper movie, “Up in the Air” (Netflix U.S.) starring George Clooney and Anna Kendrick. In the movie, the duo work for a company who is a third party company designed to help fire corporate workers so the bosses don’t have to. Anna Kendrick is the new employee, fresh out of college, and winds up at the job after following a boy to Omaha, Nebraska (only to be broken up with shortly thereafter). She hates the job and feels awful being responsible for seeing people miserable day after day as she has to break the news to them about being terminated from their company. George Clooney is the veteran worker who discovers that somewhere over the many miles flown around the country year after year…. he missed out on embracing life and time. It’s a deep movie with plenty of food for thought to ponder afterwards. The star-studded duo make for great on-screen dynamics and it’s definitely a movie you don’t want to miss.

Dating your spouse from heaven isn’t easy. I’m not going to sit here and sugar-coat anything to you all. You’re going to feel lonely much of the time. You’re going to miss their touch with every fiber of your being. You’re going to wish you could date how you used to, and each day without them is a stark reminder that nothing is the same anymore. But… I’m a person who is determined to find one single ray of hope.

My hope is that this time right now is a lesson for my daughter to see. Her Daddy and I love each other so fiercely and intensely that even physical death can’t stop our love. We date non-traditionally because I know he is here with us. I know he laughed at the quirky flummels and nodded along with me at the importance of savoring time. I want her to see that sometimes in life things will completely upend your life in the blink of an eye. Sometimes you can stop it, and other times you can’t. But, if you can’t…. you can choose to pivot and do what you can to make things not-as-painful.

I will have all of eternity to rest in the arms of my love one day. For now, we will date, dance, and soak up time. Have a wonderful night everyone. x

Family Time

Muddy Fingers and Wet Smiles

Lisa Quinn1 Comment

Hello Sweetheart,

The locals looked at us a bit funny this morning. Truthfully, I don’t blame them. There they are bustling with their morning coffee on the way to work, and kiddo and I were in the front yard squealing over worms. Yes, worms. Though we are pale as snow, they don’t know that our daughter grew up in a place that rarely rained. We were lucky if we got a couple of inches each year. Now we live in a place that has perpetual rain and kiddo is shocked beyond belief! In such a short time she has been amazed at how cold it can get in the winter. Our usual t-shirts and yoga pants suddenly aren’t thick enough to insulate us against the fall/winter bite. So, quickly I ordered us some sweatpants, sweatshirts, mittens, and winter hats to prepare for the coming snow. Yes…. SNOW!

Do you remember when kiddo begged us to take her to see snow? We both giggled as we dreamed about driving up to Tahoe over her winter birthday. Those were happy dreams, and though they never came to fruition I have no doubt you will be out there playing with us when the snow begins to fall. Will you catch snowflakes on your tongue with us? Will you cheer us on as we build a snowman together? I’m sure you will. You have always had such a warm, loving, and playful heart.

This morning as we both got wet and muddy I marveled as kiddo literally squealed helping each earthworm back to the grass. For a child who hates bugs, seeing her play with earthworms made my heart happy. Her little hands used a leaf to tenderly scoop them up and help them to where they were going. “WHOA THIS IS A BIG ONE!!” she said, letting out a triumphant roar. I belly laughed. Our fingers got muddy and it was totally worth it.

Little moments like these are what life is all about. It’s not about how much money we make…. or the things we own. It’s about the love and joy we feel with the people we love. Thank you, God, for moments like these. They make life worth living. I miss you, Sweetheart, and yearn for your touch every moment of the day. Though I know I must be patient until one day we will be together again, please know that there is never a second that I don’t wish you were here laughing, holding earthworms, snuggling, and playing with us.

Forever Yours,

Wifey XOXOXO

Music

The Brain Fog is Real…

Lisa QuinnLeave a comment

Hello Sweetheart,

Since I arrived in my 30’s I would always mutter to you when I forgot something, “yikes, I’m getting old…”. You would smile, chuckle, and give me a kiss on the forehead all while reassuring me that I’m not that old yet. But the brain fog I’ve had since you passed away from this earth has been something entirely different. When the initial shock hit me I couldn’t cry for the first 24 hours. I don’t know how I drove home those 25 miles from the hospital. (You were certainly holding the steering wheel with me). In the weeks that followed I have had so much trouble concentrating. Little did I know that there is a term for this symptom. It’s called “widow’s brain”.

Widow Brain is a term used to describe the fogginess and disconnect that can set in after the death of a spouse. This feeling is thought to be a coping mechanism, where the brain attempts to shield itself from the pain of a significant trauma or loss. Widow’s Brain is also commonly referred to as Widow Fog or simply trauma brain. – (Source: https://trustandwill.com/learn/widow-brain )

Trauma brain. That sounds about right. Symptoms include forgetfulness, irritability, brain fog, fatigue, nausea, etc. I have experienced all of these in the 51 days since you passed away. Initially my appetite was completely gone. I hardly ate for the first 72 hours since I came back from the hospital. Anything made my stomach turn and I felt completely nauseous. But, the fogginess and inability to concentrate…. that has lingered to the present.

I admit that it has been frustrating for me because I am the type of person that usually focuses quite well. But grief is real and brain trauma is real as well. Seeing you pass in my arms and trying to revive you with CPR is something that I don’t think I will ever get over entirely. However, in this season of healing and quiet…. there have been tiny things that I have begun doing to “anchor” my brain to try to cope. Music is one of them. I can’t quite read a chapter book (yet). My brain feels too scattered… like a million pages blown away in the wind. But music? It has always spoken to my soul (and brain) and there is a song for every emotion.

Tonight as I’m typing this the song, “Babe” by: Styx is playing on my Spotify playlist. It fits my mood perfectly.

You know it’s you BabeWhenever I get weary and I’ve had enoughFeel like giving upYou know it’s you BabeGiving me the courage and the strength I needPlease believe that it’s trueBabe, I love you.

Deep down, behind the walls that my brain has put in place to protect itself… I know your physical form is gone. I know that God holds my soul in His hands because it is oh-so-fragile these days. I might come across as being “on top of it all” but I am still recovering… still healing… still crying when I talk to you. The releasing of tears helps. Talking to you helps. You and God are my courage and strength.

Brain fog is real and one day it will lift. Until then, I will just crawl on hands and knees through the fog until I find my way.

Forever yours,

Wifey XOXOXO